The following article is something I wrote for my buddy Lou Tamposi’s Father’s Day post earlier this year. When he asked me to provide some wisdom for fathers, I sat down and contemplated what I’d tell my younger self and continue to tell myself these days, especially when times are tough. I highly recommend giving it a read as several other of my favorite writers on Substack provided beautiful wisdom.
In the age of information, it’s easy to get bogged down on right vs wrong or the specific solutions to be a good parent.
There is no one way to be a good anything.
Concepts will be similar, but approaches must vary based on circumstance.
Here is my attempt to simplify the concepts that I aspire to live up to daily for my number one priority in life.
Three Principles for Parenting
1. Show up and give a shit.
Simply being present whenever you can and genuinely caring about your children sets any parent up for success.
Quality of time when you have it will always beat quantity.
How do you show up when you’re able?
Complete presence is the best present, especially to your children.
Give them this gift as often as possible.
If you’re a parent, it is your responsibility to do and be your best.
Integrity in all actions and even thoughts is an ideal intention you can apply to become the dad your kids deserve.
Train to be better in mind, body, and spirit so you can effectively care and show up for as long as you’re lucky to be able to.
2. Don’t give too much of a shit that you’re emotional over rational.
If you’re reading this post, you probably care quite a bit about being a good parent.
We only stress over the things we care about most.
Embrace the challenge of not becoming compromised by emotion.
You’re going to mess up. Take ownership, apologize, and repair.
Your kids are going to go through phases. Trust the process and know this too shall pass.
All of your hard work will seem like it’s not paying off. It is but you can’t see it yet. Stay the course.
The days will be long while the years fly by.
The hard days, however, are what make the great ones that much better.
Remember you can’t consistently show up to protect, provide, and connect if you’re unable to manage your emotions.
3. Don’t give a shit about what others think as long as you continue to give a shit about what works for you and your family.
There is a fantastic book by Emily Oster called Cribsheet. As an economist, she analyzes trends to determine best outcomes in parenting. Looking at common dilemmas such as sleep training vs co-sleeping, single working parent vs dual, breastfeeding vs not, daycare vs sitter, she uses data to compare outcomes. Spoiler alert, no significant differences across the board for intact families who showed up and cared.
What works for you and the ones you love?
There’s always room to improve.
The opinions of others may have value, but be cautious of judgements from anyone you wouldn’t go to for advice.
Summary
Do what’s best for your family and do it the best you can without doing too much.
Being a parent is the most rewarding form of delayed gratification one can pursue. It is an ongoing opportunity to experience and cultivate a love that is indescribable unless you’re also a parent who cares.
Embrace this gift every day, forever.
Shit #2 is Elephant Riding! Great points and written in a way that captures the attention. Which brings to mind a collaboration we should do "How To Give a Real Shit"
You are right the number one gift you can give your child is your presence, total presence, not having our children around while we are doing something. Woo, I have seen many parents who feel so much under pressure because they are thinking what others will think. Good stuff. By the way I have been working with parents for a long time and I write on parenting too. I have grown children. Happy parenting!