Transcending Life and the Impact of Others

Warning: Challenging read emotionally but hopefully the story can offer some perspective about resilience despite extreme adversity. The trials of others can be opportunities to prepare for our own.

For lack of a better term, you can read my origin story in the “about” section of this Substack. In summary, a first term pregnancy loss, shortly after moving across the world as a newlywed, turned my world upside down. This unexpected pregnancy followed by an unfortunate loss significantly challenged my marriage, career and perspective. Through empathy, communication, hard work, and love, my wife and I were able to eventually turn one of the hardest moments in our life into a catalyst that improved our relationship and outlook. Our rainbow baby girl, Evelyn, was on the way shortly after. Like anyone else, we still had challenging times but that loss fundamentally shifted our lives to become better spouses and parents. The trajectory of my life changed because of our first child. It is part of the foundation that made me the man I try to be every day. That loss had a purpose.

It was also during this time that I became more or less obsessed with self-improvement. My favorite activity in this pursuit became Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ). For those who aren’t aware, BJJ is a grappling-based martial art that can best be compared to either wrestling or judo except the objective is to control your opponents until you eventually make them submit via strangulation,  joint manipulation, or agony. I’m biased but it’s arguably the best form of self-defense in that its foundation is based in concepts and techniques for smaller opponents to be able to effectively escape, control, counter, or dominate larger adversaries. In the majority of BJJ gyms, sparring or live training against another person is encouraged. This inherently leads to significant physical and mental discomfort while learning. The discomfort never ends but experience teaches effective management and ultimately resilience despite the adversity. The beauty of BJJ is that its culture is also embedded in a sense of safety and community. While injuries are always possible, true of any athletic endeavor, it’s a discipline that can be learned and performed by any age, size, or experience. In my opinion, BJJ is one of the best forms of intentional stress aimed at self-improvement because of the inevitable mental, physical, social, and spiritual challenges it will present.  

In skill development, particularly the early stages, it’s best to have role models and mentors. I was extremely fortunate to have many on our team of over 80. I especially connected with one guy from early on, Gary Garrido. He was similar in age and size to me but had been training for significantly longer. To my luck, he took interest in working with me and contributing to my improvement by gently kicking my ass and then going over how he easily did it despite my attempts at prevention. We would sit after class and share stories about life and fatherhood as he knew I had a daughter on the way and he loved talking about his beautiful little girl and purpose in life, Ilaiah. The way he would talk about the joy of being her dad, the incomparable happiness he felt from observing her enjoyment of anything, and how she motivated him be a better man made me excited to become a father to a little girl of my own.

While we always made plans to get together outside of the gym to finally meet each other’s daughters after mine was born, life always got in the way. We spent several hours together every week in the gym but it wasn’t until late February 2018 that Gary came to me to see if I could help him find a second opinion for an illness Ilaiah had been battling. He told me the primary care doctor she had seen said it was most likely a virus she was still fighting off. I offered for them to meet me at the Naval Hospital during weekend clinic so I could first see if she potentially had an undiagnosed ear infection which could have been contributing to her symptoms of fever and fatigue. They met me on base that Saturday in the morning. In getting to meet Ilaiah for the first time at 12 years old, I felt like I had already known her for years. I knew she was extremely outgoing and the kind of kid who everyone loved. I knew she adored her parents and had a beautiful relationship with them. Even as a preteen, she often preferred traveling or spending time with just them regardless of having a lot of friends and being involved in many activities. 

Less than a year earlier, Ilaiah and her mother Ilene, had been in the local paper for a feel good article around Mother’s Day. Ilaiah was quoted in the paper talking about her bond with her mother, “I love her so much because she’s always there for me. She takes care of me even when I give her a hard time.” Ilene was then quoted saying, “Having my daughter and seeing her grow, seeing the lady she’s becoming. I think that’s the best part of being a mother, watching them grow.”

I remembered she trained BJJ with her dad for several years just so she could experience his passion with him. 

It was obvious she wasn’t feeling well in the hospital that day as she was very soft spoken and staying close to her dad. That being said, you could still see the warmth in her eyes, the beauty in her smile and the inseparable bond she had with Gary. She was extremely patient and kind throughout her visit despite feeling what her dad described as uncharacteristically lethargic even when compared to previous viruses. Her ears were completely healthy so I walked them down to the weekend clinic so she could be evaluated by our primary care team in case they could do anything else. When saying goodbye, she went out of her way to thank me for coming in on the weekend to help her. My 45 minute experience with her was enough to confirm everything Gary had always told me about. She’s definitely the kind of person you use as a gauge to test the character of others. If you have a problem with Ilaiah, it says something about you. Never an issue with the wonderful people of Guam though, everyone loves her.

The following weekend after a morning training, Gary thanked me again for getting them in. He said the staff in primary care were very generous and ran several tests to rule out other potential causes. Nothing was significant and it most likely was some kind of virus as she was starting to return to her normal self. 

That Thursday, March 8th of 2018, I was leaving work and noticed a teammate, who happened to be a cousin of Gary’s, standing outside the entrance to our Intensive Care Unit (ICU) with many other people looking visibly upset. I assumed it was related a family member or friend of advanced age and gave them their space. The next morning I received a text that said, “Gary’s daughter passed away last night.” I froze.

I had experienced significant losses and adversity in my life already but this message dropped me. How was this possible? What happened? How could this perfect little girl, the only child of two wonderful parents, with her whole life ahead of her be gone? I broke down. I experienced every stage of grieving throughout the weekend in randomized order repeatedly, This loss felt like my own. She was too pure, too good, and too loved to die at a young age. I looked at my little Evelyn, who was almost two years old at the time and saw Ilaiah. I saw the fragility of life. I saw the unknowns that are always possible despite any amount of preparation and prevention. I saw a reason to make every day count. I saw a reason to be the best version of myself for her despite any adversity or excuse. I saw what Gary had already been telling me about, my purpose. 

Several weeks later following the services, Gary came into the gym during an open mat. Everyone hugged him and shared more condolences. He then pulled me over to the side so we could catch up. He shared stories about Ilaiah telling me some of the impacts he learned she had on other lives that had been shared following her death. He told me that when they came into the Naval Hospital to see me and the primary care team, she told Gary on the way home that she really liked the idea of working in a hospital one day. She stated she wanted to help others in the same way they were trying to help her. He then said to me, “I’m sure you’re going through a hard time. Getting to meet her shortly before her death and knowing how beautiful she was must be hard.” The man who just was forced to swallow the toughest pill life could give to a parent was consoling me. I didn't have words. We both cried. I eventually shared the profound way she had already changed my life and that her story will stay with me forever.

He then told me about what happened the night she passed away. She had been continuing to feel better throughout the week but began having a headache on that Thursday. What started as moderate pain quickly turned into a debilitating migraine that caused Gary and Ilene to rush her to the Emergency Room at Naval Hospital Guam. While waiting to be admitted to the ICU, Ilaiah was lying next to her parents in an ER room trying to control what she could. At one point, she looked up at Gary and said, “Daddy, it really hurts.” He responded with, “I love you Laiah,” to which she said, “I love you too.” Shortly after that sentence, her heart beat stopped. Those would be her last words. She was rushed to a room and eventually placed in the ICU in a medical coma while every attempt was made to medically evacuate her off the island to a specialized facility in Hawaii. She passed away that evening due to hemorrhagic stroke because of a brain aneurysm rupture. 

It is impossible to know whether or not the previous virus contributed to the hidden aneurysm eventually bursting on that tragic night. While I am told it was unlikely, I can’t help but wonder. I know that there is nothing anyone could have done aside from a lucky guess to do a brain scan which wouldn’t be indicated from any of her symptoms before the night of her death. It’s still a hard outcome to accept.

As fair as we’d like life to be, there are no equal outcomes. If we try to force them, unintended consequences will result. If we leave it up to the higher power, things will happen that may never make sense despite what potential positives we can eventually pull from them. Ilaiah’s life had purpose but nothing can justify her loss. While she has made me a better father and regular reflection on the spirit she demonstrated gives me improved perspective, her life far outweighed any lessons she left behind. Ilaiah made this world a better place and she was going to continue doing great things. 

Gary finished that morning by telling me he and Ilene were going through the hardest time in their lives. He admitted to struggling in a variety of ways to effectively cope and that he didn’t know how long it would take to reverse the direction he was going. He said he found strength in talking to and trying to be there for his wife while also leaning on his faith in God. 

He ended by saying, “I’m not okay, but I will be.”

That kind of perspective and resilience doesn’t happen out of luck. That is developed over time and inspired by deep faith and purpose. He decided that he wanted to continue living for his daughter in a way she’d be proud of. Gary, that morning, and Ilaiah’s life changed me. Their lives and outlook have transcended what I believe is the way. They continue to impact my life and the lives of others.

Ilaiah’s story is one I continue to tell during certain types of resilience trainings or relevant discussions. Rarely can I get through it without getting emotional but I feel a sense of gratification every time I think or talk about her. Honoring her life and allowing her story to impact others means the world to me.

Fast forward six years later, Gary and Ilene now have two beautiful children, Ecclesia Hope B. and Eliahs David B., two and a half years and seven months old respectively. 

It is impossible to understand many of life’s tragedies, especially as they are happening. A greater purpose, a method to this madness, is challenging to see when responding to extreme adversity. The examples of Gary, Ilaiah, and their beautiful family demonstrate the power of love, optimism, perspective, and the ability to transcend life through your actions and character. The world needs more people like them. Let their lives inspire you to live yours to its fullest.