Sleep Struggles
My son Sam is what the famous child psychologist Becky Kennedy would call a deeply feeling kid. Since he was born, he has expressed the full extent of a given feeling while also possessing the unique ability to elicit them in others. My wife and I would often joke saying no one will make you feel a deeper sense of love or frustration depending on the moment. This was especially true in his toddler years. As a colicky baby, he was tough to get down to sleep. I would walk him for a good thirty to sixty minutes most evenings to get him down. While some nights were peaceful because we were either outside under the stars or inside pacing as we listened to calming music, most nights were stressful. Wanting the opportunity to spend some time with my wife, to read/write, or to simply get some sleep myself, my desire for him to stop crying and fall asleep produced an internal fire that was difficult to manage.
As this pattern continued into his second and third year of life, I knew something had to change. While we had tried various sleep training methods, my wife and I agreed the “cry it out” approach didn’t align with our philosophy of wanting to instill connection before forced compliance in a given domain. Sammy was tough to get down but slept relatively well once he was asleep.
“When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.”
-Victor Frankl
Acceptance of the phase was first needed on my end. Desiring for him to change or hoping for a “good” night was adding unnecessary pressure to the “support” I was providing him.
Attempting to force outcomes in others rarely produces sustainable or productive results.
Patience, however, is a skill that can be trained.
When you’re having a hard time, regardless of reason, is it helpful when someone who is stressed because you’re stressed tries to rush you through the perceived problem?
Reducing expectations of outcomes allows for focus on attitude and actions within yourself.
Inspect what you expect of yourself before projecting expectations onto others - especially children.
Perspective shifts can do wonders for stress management.
Following acceptance, I began using my time with Sam as an opportunity to practice breathwork, knees over toes squats, and/or walking lunges to supplement my physical training. Always managing my output, the goal was to exert while remaining calm.
The subjective influences the objective.
Even though I “knew” the universal truth that staying calm can encourage the same in others around you, I had not been consistent or intentional in my approach behind walking Sam to sleep.
Go figure - the more regulated I remained internally, the more I began to notice Sam calming down and falling asleep sooner.
Internal peace can be felt by others.
In time, Sam moved through his difficult sleep stage. More importantly, I was able to adjust and provide him with consistent, regulated connection as I learned to approach sleep time with an adapted perspective.
Ironically, he has become our best sleeper who is comfortable in all environments and conditions.
Lessons Can Transfer
Last summer, my wife and I took our three kids at the time on a local hike called Calvert Cliffs. Known to be an accessible hike for all ages, it’s a beautiful trail that navigates two miles through the forest and swamp out to the beach where megalodon and other types of shark teeth are often found. I thought we were prepared with plenty of food and water to carry in our packs and planned sufficient time to enjoy the hike no matter how long we took. I anticipated that I’d need to carry my youngest, James, who was two years old for much of the hike. What I didn’t expect was for Sam to tucker out at the beach after having played and enjoyed brunch. Just like my little dog who will sit down on walks and refuse to move without being carried due to fatigue, Sam wasn’t trying to walk any of the two miles back when it was time to leave.
On a hot summer day with dwindling water supplies and a bunch of tired family members, I caught myself feeling the same tension I used to feel when wishing he would bend to my internal will and fall asleep years earlier. I wanted to tell him to be a man and suck it up since James was already asleep in my arms and he was fully capable of walking. What I really felt was guilt for not being better prepared with a stroller, wagon, or other contingency plans in case of a circumstance like this one. Before I spoke, I saw the innocence in his eyes and reframed my perspective. Rather than rip him a new one and make matters worse, I took a few deep breaths and offered to carry him a bit.
My awesome wife offered to carry James while I picked up Sam to start the trek back. Within minutes, he was asleep in my arms.
Half a mile later, my wife’s arms were starting to give out as James was almost the same size as Sammy. Despite being hot, tired, and sore, I decided to test my will and said she could hand James over to me.
My mission became to complete this unplanned challenge with a resilient mindset.
One step at a time while focusing on what I could control - my breathing, attitude, and exertion.
The hike back carrying both of my boys while wearing a backpack that had a 60oz water bottle dangling from it as it banged against the back of my legs was honestly one of the most physically, mentally, and spiritually challenging rucks I’ve ever done. A 50lb ruck on the back for a mile and a half is no problem for me. Two unconscious ~25lb bodies in your arms is a different story. The water bottle beating my legs was just icing on the uncomfortable cake.
As I walked, I focused on the task and my Why behind doing it. Managing my breathing and reminding myself that this was an opportunity to determine if I could complete a similar challenge if it was a life or death situation for my family reoriented my perspective from suffering to resilience training.
I didn’t plan for this inconvenience which made it that much better to see how I could respond to the perceived hardship.
Thank goodness my five-year old daughter, Evelyn, had already developed her own resilience as she completed the entire hike without complaint despite being tired and sweaty herself.
We arrived to the parking lot where there is a tire park that the kids love to play in. Naturally, both boys woke up and wanted to run around for a while before heading home.
Being able to complete that self-imposed mission is a memory I will hold onto for life. I proudly wore two enormous bruises on my calves for the next week and regularly reflect on that day when unexpected adversity arises.
I can do hard things even when I don’t plan for them.
I didn’t have to carry my boys as there were other options, however, I chose to make it an opportunity. More importantly, I was able to do it while maintaining a good attitude.
Intentional Stress Challenge
Another story, a challenge for any caregiver of children, and lessons learned that can apply to any domain in life:
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