Empathy vs. Sympathy Expanded
Important differences between two related terms.
A few months ago, I collaborated with Michael Woudenberg on a post titled Sympathy → Empathy → Resilience. He and I discussed this issue on our first podcast together and then more recently our second podcast dug into his first science fiction book, Paradox, which explores these concepts and many more in one of the best novels I’ve read.
Today, I want to share the expanded piece I wrote for the recent post with Mike.
From Sympathy to Empathy
An older man in ragged clothes sat next to a bucket as my father and I walked toward our destination in downtown Dayton, OH. As we passed, I locked eyes with him. His face was gentle even though his features were rough. He said, softly, that he was hungry and then asked if we had any money to spare. I looked to my dad, who kept his awareness focused on our surroundings while continuing to walk as he held my hand on the crowded sidewalk. This man was clearly suffering yet my dad and everyone else on the crowded sidewalk continued to walk past him as if he didn’t exist. I was troubled and confused. Asking questions about why we didn’t help, what does homeless mean, and how could one get into such a situation, only furthered my frustration. We didn’t make it much more than a block before I broke down and began crying. My dad stopped, hugged me, and then proceeded to walk me back to the man so I could give him ten dollars. I still remember the genuine appreciation in his face and words before we parted ways.
This was the early 1990s when I was around six years old. If I had seen a homeless person prior, I didn’t realize it. Without an understanding of the complexities behind homelessness on a macro scale and not knowing all the charitable things my father was doing to help people less fortunate, I was fully absorbed in the moment and the overwhelming emotions that come from seeing another human hurting. I needed to help to ease his suffering.
Fast forward fifteen years and I’m sitting in Counseling 101, a core requirement for a major in psychology at Ohio State University. Rather than lecture on counseling methods, this class involved facilitated application in simulated sessions to progressively build techniques. On day one, we immediately were told to reflect on past or current struggles that we were willing to share. Students were then assigned to be counselors and clients as aides observed the rotating twenty-minute rounds. Every one of the student counselors, including myself, attempted to be problem-solvers. Once we believed we understood the issue, we immediately began offering solutions such as reframing techniques, resources for support, and practical methods to overcome the adversity. Few questions, all answers.
At the end of each class, instructors would debrief observations from the day and then begin to progressively offer concepts, techniques, and considerations to encourage connection with those we desired to help. While I took away many lessons from this ten-week course, they all can be boiled down to learning the distinction between empathy and sympathy.
Empathy, as defined by The American Psychological Association (APA), is understanding a person from their frame of reference rather than one’s own. The APA defines sympathy as feelings of concern or compassion resulting from an awareness of the suffering or sorrow of another.
Empathy is getting out of your own head. It requires removing all of your own biases, opinions, assumptions, and even experiences so you can consider the perspective of the other person. Sympathy is getting another person’s head into yours. It’s absorbing another’s observed state based on assumptions.
Empathy is curiosity whereas sympathy is concern. Empathy leads to questions while sympathy leads to action. These two terms are often used interchangeably by many but the distinction matters.
The appropriately named sympathetic nervous system is responsible for activating the stress response. Stress is not bad and concern for others is valuable. Chronic sympathy just like chronic stress, however, wears on the mind and body. Compassion fatigue, emotional exhaustion, distancing, sleep disturbances, unproductive attitude, and decreased performance are all signs of burnout resulting from mismanaged and/or unrecovered stress. This is an issue in overly sympathetic people and providers. Empathy, on the other hand, endures. It’s a skill that allows for connection and guidance without necessarily causing stress.
Now, it’s important to note that I only included the first parts of the APA definitions for empathy and sympathy.
Here is the full APA definition of empathy:
Understanding a person from their frame of reference rather than one’s own, or vicariously experiencing that person’s feelings, perceptions, and thoughts. Empathy does not, of itself, entail motivation to be of assistance, although it may turn into sympathy or personal distress, which may result in action. In psychotherapy, therapist empathy for the client can be a path to comprehension of the client’s cognitions, affects, motivation, or behaviors.
And the full APA definition of sympathy:
Feelings of concern or compassion resulting from awareness of the suffering or sorrow of another.
More generally, a capacity to share in and respond to the concerns or feelings of others. See also empathy.
An affinity between individuals on the basis of similar feelings, inclinations, or temperament.
You can see from these expanded definitions where the overlaps arise. Empathy can lead to sympathy and sympathy can lead to empathy. The more we understand about someone’s situation, the more likely we are to experience their feelings vicariously. The more concerned we are for someone, the more likely we are to be curious about what is going on. The problem arises when we conflate these two terms. We don’t need to inherit another’s stress in order to consider their perspective. We also will have a hard time being reasonable the more troubled we are because of someone’s perceived suffering.
Channeling energy into curiosity rather than concern is productive with people, books, media, events, and all other things outside of our control.
Young Kyle was extremely sympathetic toward the poor man’s situation. My breakdown caused my father to become sympathetic toward my emotions, leading him to give the man a little money. Sympathy is contagious and can lead to productive action.
Undergraduate Kyle in Counseling 101 applied sympathy to my simulated sessions. I wanted to help them solve their problems as soon as possible. A deep caring and concern for others is powerful. It’s also taxing and unsustainable. We often can’t solve the majority of other people’s problems. Empathy is invaluable as a provider, caregiver, leader, parent, coach, spouse, teammate, or friend. Encouraging agency in others to solve their own problems requires connection, understanding, and guided conversation to allow them to come to their own conclusions.
I often argue the most important attribute one can possess is giving a shit. If you don’t care, you won’t act. The second most important attribute, however, is not giving too much of a shit. Caring has limits. If you care about every potential source of concern, you’re going to burn out.
Sympathy is the starting point. We must care.
Empathy is the enduring process to put effective caring into productive action.
Consistent curiosity kills chronic concern.
Toxic Empathy
Empathy has become the backbone of my personal and professional life when it comes to staying curious rather than overly concerned about anyone or anything else. It wasn’t until I befriended a polymath proficient in mixed mental arts that I learned of the potential limitations of empathy.
In this fantastic post, Mike explores the applications of empathy and how it can be used in excess causing us to lose our own agency and even have it be weaponized against us. As he often does in his writing, Mike highlights the nuance we must consider even in a perceptually virtuous skill like empathy.
All things can be taken too far. Dichotomies always exist and must be contemplated.
If the use of empathy is causing you to lose trust in your intuitions, forget your perspective, or constantly slip into taking on perceived emotions of others, you’ve lost the critical distinction between empathy and sympathy.
Overlap between empathy and sympathy exists for a powerful reason. We won’t act if we don’t care. Caring effectively, however, can only be sustained if we remember the differences between these two terms and use both to our and the world’s advantage.
Emotions are rational signals, but they aren’t always required for effective action.
Sympathy and empathy are both valuable tools when grounded in reason and understanding.
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